This is where the healing begins...

Have you ever been so full of emotion, so full of thoughts, so full of the grace and goodness of God that you just didn't even know where to begin? That seems to be where I am now. Actually, that is where I have been for the past two months. I have postponed documenting anything in the form of our blog for fear that I might not have the right words to express this journey that we have been traveling down. Well... I still have not found the 'perfect' words, but I have found a more deep rooted trust in my perfect Lord and I want to record these valuable life lessons here. My hope above all is that our children will be able to look back to this journal entry years from now and recall the events that transpired in front of them. Events that helped shape them into the disciples for Christ that I know they are called to be. Events that shook us all to our core but drew us closer to our sweet Savior. I want to record in a written form what the Lord has done in shaping my heart through this experience. The valley that we have been traveling through is betrayal. ....betrayal at the hands of a beloved friend... This is not an unfamiliar road for me. You would assume that having been betrayed by my father so many times in my youth that I would be a bit more seasoned or possibly even hardened to the sting of betrayal. But it is not so. The pain is real. Almost unbearable at times. Perhaps it is because when I love, I love completely ~ without fear, without hesitation. ...completely... This is a choice I have made and will continue to make. It is worth the risk.

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The details of this particular betrayal are really irrelevant. The cause of the destruction is no more relevant than the cause of the damage after a hurricane. We could stand around and discuss the damage after a storm, argue about what caused the damage, debate about whether or not we should have been prepared for this or possibly have seen it coming. At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter if it was the wind, the rain, a tornado, etc... that caused the damage. It doesn't matter whether or not we should have seen it coming or been better prepared. All that really matters is that destruction has occurred and it is time to begin the process of restoration. That is where I am today. Acknowledging the destruction. Beginning the process of restoration. Our family 'ran away' to the beach a few weeks ago when this whole ordeal began to unravel. I don't know exactly what happens to my soul when I am on those glorious, sugary sanded beaches, but it is definitely the next best thing to being at the very feet of Jesus. Saturday, we did it again. Only this time it was just my man and me ~well, not to mention a few hundred Spring Breakers. I tuned out the young Spring Breakers and even tried to pretend that the seagulls circling above our heads were representative of the Holy Spirit. I know they are not nearly as lovely as doves, but it did help me to stop worrying that they were going to start pecking us to death.

We just sat and soaked in the Lord's goodness.

Jesus retreated to the wilderness.

The Calhouns run away to the beach.

I just laid there pondering on all that the Lord has taught me about His grace and goodness over the past few weeks.

This is where the healing begins....your spirit laid at the feet of Jesus while your body lays on the lovely white beaches. The lessons have been painful but rich in value.

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Lesson #1: The beautiful thing about betrayal is that it forces you into a more intimate trust relationship with the Lord.

Maybe that is why the Lord set me aside for ministry many, many years ago. I was forced into that sold out, pure trust relationship at a very early age. And here I am again...clinging to the cloak of Jesus and trusting Him with all that is in me. When you realize that you can not trust man... that you will always be disappointed if you put your faith and hope in mortal man, you learn to savor the sweet trust relationship you can have with Jesus Christ himself. A relationship so safe and pure that trust is never a worry.

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Lesson#2: I can not fix what wants to stay broken.

"Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked." 1 Timothy 1:19

It has always been very difficult for me to draw boundaries in relationships. I am a 'fixer' and will do anything at all costs to help someone. It is a really difficult realization to discover that when there is a REPETITIVE SIN accompanied with NO REPENTANCE, there is absolutely nothing I can do to 'fix' the problem.

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Lesson #3: The Lord keeps the record book that counts.

"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." Hebrews 6:10

I have heard many friends speak out in anger and frustration as they recall the things that we have all done seemingly in vain. The Lord showed me this verse in Hebrews and it has served as a salve to my hurting heart. Isn't it wonderful to know that the Lord keeps the only record book that actually counts? He will not forget!!!

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Lesson #4: This is not the only time my children will experience betrayal.

I literally grieved over having to share the horrible details of this ordeal with my children. I did not want for them to experience the same deep rooted trust issues that I walked through in my own childhood. But the reality is that this will not be their only experience with betrayal. Unfortunately, betrayal will revisit them again one day....betrayal from a friend, co-worker, or even spouse. However, this is a wonderful opportunity for us to model for them the appropriate, Christ-like way to walk through this valley. They have shed many tears, asked difficult questions, and even expressed anger in the form of throwing away trinkets that represent these broken relationships. There is still much to sort through in terms of emotional and spiritual healing, but my hope and prayer is that they will land in a place where they better understand and appreciate God's constant, unwavering, steadfast love.

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Lesson #5: Grace is a gift that was paid at a high cost.

I am absolutely sickened to my soul to see how our society in general has cheapened the grace that the Lord lavishes on us. Too many of us are too quick to throw down the 'grace card' when sin is present in our lives. We want forgiveness without repentance. The Lord himself does not extend grace on us until we come to a turning point when we acknowledge and turn from our sinful ways. I think Christ himself is angered in the face of open rebellion. Why do we seem to forget the holy hissy fit that Jesus threw in the temple as he overturned the tables? There is such a thing a righteous indignation! When people expect grace and forgiveness to be lavished on them without the presence of repentance, I am awestruck and sickened!

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Lesson #6: People said unkind and untrue things about Jesus. I am definitely not better than Jesus...why do I think I should be treated better than He was?!

My mom used to splash some figurative cold water in my face during my teen years. I would often become consumed in teenage drama and worry if I thought someone said something untrue or unkind about me. She would be quick to point out "They did the same thing to Jesus... Do you think you're better than Jesus?" I would tearfully reply "No...I am definitely not better than Jesus!" Her words from decades ago have resounded in my heart recently. I would be lying to you to say that I am just fine and dandy in spite of knowing that things are being said about me that are not true. I allow it to be all consuming. I am a worrier by nature, but I am making conscious efforts daily to become focused on my 'Audience of One' and only worry about what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. This is definitely one life lesson I have not fully mastered, but I am trying to make strides in the right direction.

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Lesson#7: Jesus knows all too well the pain of betrayal.

Jesus understands every tear we have shed. He was betrayed by one of his closest friends too. You have to assume that Judas was considered one of his most trusted and closest friends. For goodness sake, he put him in charge of the money bag! This betrayal has cost us some money, some time, and many hurt feelings....but Jesus' betrayal cost him his LIFE! The story of Jesus' betrayal is one I have known most of my life, but now better appreciate on a whole new level. It is kind of like trying to explain the love a parent has for a child. It is a love you can not fully appreciate until you experience first hand. The betrayal that Jesus experienced that ultimately led to him being crucified has never been more real or more painful to me.

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Lesson#8: You must go through a 'TEST' in order to have a 'TESTIMONY'

James 1:2-5 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." I am still a work in progress I guess because I am not quite where I can consider this test 'pure JOY'. But I am confident that the Lord has a plan and He alone knows what the future holds.

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Lesson#9: This experience will make me better equipped to help others walk through the valley of betrayal.

While serving in the ministry, we have front row seats for people's best and worst days. I believe with all that is in me that this experience will better equip us to walk alongside others as they navigate through their own betrayals. While I am typing this, my family is sitting around me watching Little House on the Prairie. I am reminded of an interview I saw once of Michael Landon. He was questioned about his ability to cry such realistic, heart-felt tears. He simply explained that the tears were real. When a script or storyline called for him to 'act out' deep emotions, he recalled a very painful loss of a loved one. Because the pain was so intense and burnt so deeply into his memory, he was able to draw from that source. I know that this experience will be something that we all draw from for a long time to come and it will be used to minister to other people's hurting hearts.

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Lesson#10: You are never more 'Christ-like' than when you are speaking the TRUTH in LOVE

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." Ephesians 4:15

Speaking only truth over someone is much too harsh; while speaking only love over someone is simply dishonest. There must be that perfect balance of truth and love. It is a recipe that Christ perfected and we must imitate. I explained it to my children using the example of popcorn. Popcorn without any seasoning or salt is not even worth eating. It is without taste or flavor ~ lacking substance. It is very much like our words spoken only in love without the presence of truth. On the other hand, popcorn that has been over-seasoned with too much salt is more than the palate can bear. Such is the way our words are received when they are spoken with too much truth and the absence of love. My children seemed to grasp this concept quite well. Others around me seem to have quite the misconception of how Believers are to express themselves. Because of my attempt to speak the truth in the spirit of love, I have been called a hypocrite. My Christian faith and walk have been questioned. I blame our Americanized view of Christianity for that. People in general do not grasp or practice the idea that we are never MORE Christ-like than when we are speaking the truth in love. I spend much time counseling others. I have no formal training to speak of, but my husband's position thrusts me into a place where people will seek counsel. I gladly do what I can, but typically always ask..."Do you want me to tell you what you WANT to hear or what you NEED to hear." It is a simple but profound question. Sometimes people only want a shoulder to cry on and desire someone to just mirror their emotions. People who are seeking true healing are looking for answers and direction. Sometimes hearing what we NEED to hear can be painful. If a doctor only told you to put some neosporin and a bandaid on what he knew was skin cancer for fear that it might hurt you to know the truth, would you really think he was doing you a favor? Would you consider him a 'good doctor'? Are we being 'good Christians' when we only tell people what they WANT to hear. What if we ignore the TRUTH for fear that we might hurt someone? Is that being Christ-like?

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Lesson #11: Remorse is not the same thing as repentance.

"When Judas, who had betrayed him, realized that Jesus had been condemned to die, he was filled with remorse. So he took the thirty pieces of silver back to the leading priests and the elders." Matthew 27:3

Isn't it interesting that it never states in scripture that Judas ever REPENTED for his betrayal. It states that he was filled with 'remorse'. Those are two very different things. It lends you to believe that perhaps Judas was never a true Christ follower. As Christians we REPENT ~ we confess, we turn from ~ our sinful ways. We do not blame others. We do not wallow in self pity and regret. We simply repent and turn in the right direction.

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Lesson #12: Discernment is seeing with our hearts and not our eyes.

"Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the middle of wolves: be you therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." Matthew 10:16 Unfortunately, I have not followed the same advice that I gave my children many years ago. We taught them early on that the 'kidnapper' would not come as a dirty, scary man with a wooly beard. The kidnapper could come as a beautiful lady crying because she can't find her puppy. We instructed them that evil comes packaged pretty. Satan is the father of lies and his M.O. since the beginning of time is to come in an attractive and enticing form. The evil can not be seen with our eyes. It can only be seen by our hearts. Hearts that have spent so much time in the presence of the Lord that they become keenly aware when they are in the presence of any form of evil.
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Lesson #13: Trust God to do what only He can do!

"Anything that drains your tank of joy~ something you cannot change, something you are not responsible for, something you are unable to control, something or someone that frightens and torments you, agitates you, keeps you awake when you should be asleep. All of that needs to be switched from your worry list to your prayer list. Give God each worry the more you practice giving your mental burdens to the Lord, the more exciting it gets to see how God will handle the things that are impossible for you to do anything about" Charles Swindoll We have a joke in our home when our children become irrational beyond the point of being able to reason with them into a right way of thinking or right behavior. We will remind each other that "we do not negotiate with terrorists!" We simply send them to their rooms until they can calm down and become more rationale. Now, please understand that I am in no way calling our children terrorists. What I am saying is that you can not have a rational conversation with someone who is clearly irrational. I have tried on many occasions to reason with people like an articulate lawyer in the hopes of bringing them into a 'right' way of thinking. I have finally resigned to the fact that I am indeed NOT the HOLY SPIRIT. I can not convict. I can not even reason with people who choose to be unreasonable. God can and WILL handle the burdens that seem to be impossible for us to do anything about. If God is for us, who can be against us?

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So here we are after many life lessons learned. It has been a spiritual growth spurt of sorts. Like any growth spurt, it has been accompanied with pain. But I can honestly say I am thankful and rejoice in the growth that we have experienced. I am not thankful for what we have been through, but I am immensely thankful for where we are now and what we have learned in the journey.

I want to end this seemingly neverending post with the lyrics to my new 'theme song'

Blessings ~ by Laura Story

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise